It has been 20 years since I graduated from university, ready to take a swing at journalism.
I thought about going back to school the moment my newspaper closed its doors, but then I got a job offer and shelved the idea. I was busy. I had two kids, a career, a partner. School was expensive, and unnecessary. And it would take time that I simply didn’t have.
And then it happened — life became complicated — and within that mad mess, there was a crushing moment that compelled me to look into the mirror and look really hard at the woman staring back.
What I saw was a woman who had been rushing around supporting and uplifting others for over a decade, gradually being crushed by the weight of it.
What I saw was a woman carrying around an empty bucket, having used everything she had to fill up the buckets of those around her. There was nothing left, and a sizeable crack in the bottom.
I’m alone more now than I have been in a decade. My children are outside, or they’re at their friend’s houses. They’re reading in their rooms, or playing independently.
Having a moment to catch my breath should be exciting, but it’s terrifying.
I’d been using the labels of “mother,” and “wife,” as an excuse. Those labels precluded “professional,” and made “student” seem impossible.
Days later, I voiced my idea outloud for the first time.
“I think I’d like to go back to school and get my masters degree,” I told my husband.
He nodded, said it was a great idea.
So I tried it out with my best friend.
“I think I’d like to go back to school.”
She sighed deeply through the phone: “Thank God! I’m so glad. Where are you going to go? What are you going to do it in? When do you need to apply? How many reference letters will you need? When does it start? Are you going to do course-based or thesis?”
I almost hung up. I hadn’t even started and already it sounded hard.
But I did the research, explored program options, timelines and costs. I made a trip to the bank; I ordered transcripts.
And then I told my boss: “I think I’d like to go back to school to get my masters degree.”
And he responded with a smile: “Figure out what you need, and we’ll do what we can to support you.”
I needed letters, and when I asked, people wrote them. And they were perfect. I’ve printed them off and tucked them away in my nightstand. I read them sometimes. They’re about a woman who is smart, and accomplished, and professional, and thorough, and funny, and insightful. She sounds amazing, and I can’t wait to meet her.
I needed time, and they agreed. I needed a little bit of money, and they provided what they could.
I started my first three courses last week, and I feel like I’m drowning — like I’ve just arrived in a new country that seems sort of familiar, but everyone speaks a different language, and I’m just faking it, hoping that at some point it’ll all begin to make sense.
I’m excited to start and terrified to fail. I’ve already learned so many new things, and am quickly realizing how much I don’t understand.
I’m meeting new people, and they’re so much smarter than me.
I’m being brave and it’s uncomfortable. When I lay awake at night I think about how much easier it might have been if I’d just kept my mouth shut. If I’d never said the words out loud. If I’d kept my dream a secret.
But then the sun comes up. And I’m one day closer to finishing. I’m one day closer to convocation, and I’m one day closer to meeting that woman that my references describe in their letters.