I am sorry

For my laugh and how loud it is

And for how big I get when I’m excited

To see you

Or a puppy

Or a sunset

Or the next season of my favourite series.

I am sorry

For not moving over, or closer

Or for not crossing my legs a little tighter, shrinking into my seat

So that your knees can spread across two.

Sorry,

For being too slow and yet too fast,

And for not smiling,

Or for smiling too big and at the wrong time.

(“What’s so funny?”)

I am sorry for being too old

And for having children, who are both too young and too old.

Sorry for having a past, 

And a pet

And not enough free time, and all the wrong hobbies.

Skiing? Dirt bikes? Fishing? Ranking IPAs? 

No. Sorry. 

And I’m sorry that you didn’t get the joke

(Sorrier than you know)

And that I had to explain it twice. Wait, three times. 

Nevermind, it’s not funny.

I’m sorry that I’m not ready 

To need you

To give up my independence

To find what you’ve lost, to feed you, to make your house smell good.

I’m sorry for dancing

Around your feelings

And tiptoeing around your trauma.

I’ve been sidestepping egos with apologies for a long time.

So, I’m sorry.