[The first of what I expect to be a series of super unhelpful product reviews]

This post is designed to act as a reference guide to get you through the worst of all seasons.

Tylenol, of the dye-free berry variety, is a classic. This particular vintage, made in Markham, ON, goes down smoothly with only a hint of sharpness on the tail end. Grape-flavoured Advil, on the other hand, has a memorable tang, and will make you think back to all those times you used to dip your fingers into packs of Jello when you were a child of the 90s. Great legs on the Advil, which is also a plus.

In a pinch you can serve up both and drink back to back shots for a delicious hit of medicated fruit punch, and a solid six-to-eight hours of sleep.

Both the Advil and Tylenol pair well with popsicles, ginger ale, and endless episodes of Teen Titans GO!

The pink product on the left, amoxicillin, is hard to come by. Dealers of this elusive elixir can only be found after waiting on the sidewalk for hours in the cold. Strawberry with a hint of banana, creamy and bubbly when shaken, amoxicillin is best served cold in handstanding Elmo (right).

On the far right, this Cabernet Sauvignon from Argentina is a Goddamned blessing. The, “intense ruby colour with the tile edges,” is nothing compared to the fact that it was close at hand, and free, having been left behind following a New Year’s party. While pairing suggestions include “roast beef, spicy & roast chicken, and hard cheeses,” it also goes well with avocado toast eaten over the sink at 10 p.m., because that’s when you get to have dinner after tending to the needs of everybody else in your household.